It's been a while, I know. I've been a little busy. I've jumped on here to get some thoughts down (and out) about some issues that have been in my mind for a little while.
I've recently felt an increased sense of frustration at the way in which the West looks down upon Eastern cultures and traditions, and yet still exoticises it in a way to make it seem that they're being respectful or curious. It's rather superficial. My current problem lies in the depiction of marriage and gender relations between the cultures. This is not my only concern but it will be the topic of this post.
I want to begin here by clarifying some terms so that we're all on the same page. "Western" does NOT mean white. It refers to a mentality and outlook which is pro-modernity and considers the situation of the world a process of progression and development and thus considers modernity to be the current peak, until it gets better and even more modern. This is in contrast to "Eastern" which is a mentality and outlook related to staying true to tradition and realigning oneself to one's original, pure state and thus a "devolution" to a higher state. For a more detailed explanation on these terms, please refer to Réné Guénon's "The Crisis of the Modern World" or "La Crise du Monde Modèrne", in whichever language suits you.
Another clarification I would like to make is that between a love marriage, an arranged marriage and a forced marriage. In principle we have a love marriage which is where two people meet, fall in love and decide to get married. An arranged marriage is where two people are introduced by someone in their circles (parents, friends, family, community members) and upon getting to know the person each of them willingly accepts to marry the other. What is crucial here is that the man and woman both have the right and the ability to reject a proposal. Their choice is a vital part of the procedure. A forced marriage is where two people are introduced (or not) and are expected to marry due to external factors (social, familial, financial etc.). They have little to no choice in the matter.
We, as humans, like to categorise things all the time and I will demonstrate how the boundaries of these marriages can sometimes be blurred. An arranged marriage, having the condition that the two people involved are willing to marry, can develop into a perfectly loving marriage and healthy relationship. The couple have the right to make inquiries and make their decision about the match and thus, if they are satisfied and work honestly to a caring relationship, there's no reason why there can't be love in this marriage. A love marriage also can take a turn if the couple, for some reason realise after the marriage that they're a poor match, it can sometimes turn into a situation where they force themselves to stay together and foster a toxic marriage. A forced marriage, being forced, can be doubted even for its validity but if we pretend that this is a valid marriage, there may be occasions where the people forced into the marriage come to a certain understanding to make the relationship work and perhaps this may lead to respect and love in this couple. Of course the reverse is always true, arranged marriages can go horribly wrong and a forced marriage are often traumatic.
My trouble is the tone in which Westerners speak about arranged marriage. It is associated to a backward and outdated tradition. The West may no longer implement this method in its traditional form but that doesn't mean it has lost its value and place. Westerners see it as a method that no longer applies and is no longer beneficial, which is far from the truth. It goes as far as some Westerners labelling examples of forced marriages as arranged marriages. They seem to feel that arranged marriages are oppressive and thus must be forced in some way. What pains me even more is that there are people in the East who seek to please the West and show them how much they've "progressed" and so go out of their way to illustrate the weaknesses in arranged marriages (because of course like any of the above marriages, an arranged marriage can also be difficult for some) and that they are moving into more modern territory by adopting a Western approach to relationships. Ultimately this is a matter of "hanging out your dirty laundry" and exposing yourself to mockery. I find it painful to watch and, from where I am, to listen to the Western comments around me speak condescendingly about these cultures and traditions which deserve so much more respect. This is from a real experience of a trailer viewing of 'Monsoon Wedding' in a university lecture in Germany. I feel that in many ways this is because some Westernised people in the East are failing to value themselves and suffer from an inferiority complex. To prove that they're "with the times" they are willing to mock the sanctity of marriage.
Now, arranged marriages are based on a community of trust and insight. There is a general understanding that some people in society are good references of wisdom and insight. It would be a good idea to consult these people about matters concerning big life decisions like marriage because they can guide you and help you. Often these people are considered to be among the elders in the community. However what must be made clear is that I don't believe all elders have the same level of insight and wisdom and thus there are people who are better to go to for advice and those whose advice you should be careful with. There are those who are more likely to make accurate judgements and those who will do so less well. So someone seeking advice needs to seek quality and not quantity (an age), although do not negate people's life experience entirely either; there may well be a kernel of wisdom hidden in there too. This is part of a tradition of trust; trust that the West seems to have lost. Again, the fact that the couple have the right to reject the proposal means that they have to make an informed decision for themselves and take responsibility for it. They cannot blame the parents or whomever else because the final call is theirs.
I'm not being idealistic about the conditions in the East because I know there are conflicts present that require urgent attention. When talking about the East I am referring predominantly to the South Asian (Indian/ Pakistani/ Bangladeshi) community because I have a better understanding of these cultures and cannot speak on behalf of other cultures, although there may be overlap. There are problems in the East concerning domestic violence, forced marriages, refusing to give women the right to an informed choice, refusing to respect women's rights to act in a way that is authentic to their own sense of self and expecting women to be submissive etc. These problems also include the notions that men believe they have been chosen to implement order and dominate over women, control them and push them to what the men think the women should do, not let women think for themselves and objectify them so that they are only seen for their functional purposes of cooking, cleaning, sex and children.
While these problems are in the East, they are not inherently Eastern. In fact they are truly against an Eastern mindset of nobility and purity. These issues gain momentum because people have lost sight of the origins and the meaning in their traditions, rituals and ultimately have forgotten the underlying values. The objectification of women and submissiveness (sometimes practical ignorance) of women is not considered noble in any of the three main faiths of the Indian subcontinent (Hinduism, Islam and Sikhism). In fact if they enter the faiths at all, they appear due to a twisted interpretation and disconnectedness otherwise people simply use the name of the faith as an excuse to justify their behaviour. The Hindu goddesses are not considered virtuous because of their functional natures but because of their character, dedication, love, compassion and bravery. The women in Sikh history are hailed as warriors and embody strength and bravery. The women in the Islamic tradition are brave, strong, intelligent and well-informed, curious, educated and pious. Regardless of the women you have in mind from whichever culture, there are so many characteristics that make them great which go far beyond superficial functional, objectified criteria. People (and I don't want this to be about men versus women because women often incite such behaviour towards other women too) allow this injustice to take place because they devalue women and dehumanise them so that they can use them for their own personal benefit or sense of superiority.
Men, who often assume a role of superiority, do so without necessarily realising the responsibilities on their shoulders. There's nothing wrong with a man being a leader, of a country or a household, providing he's equipped for it and is qualified for the role. Often we do not feel the need to vet the men as we do women, to see if they are up to the job. Men aren't patriarchs because of muscular ability or their size or other superficial criteria. In history and in our traditions we praise men who are brave, noble, wise and fair. They are on the side of justice and truth and defend this with all their might. In history there have also been a good few evil men, the likes of Pharaoh or Ravan (if you want to consider him a symbol of negative man) or other such enemies of Truth, peace and wisdom. Hence, using force or manipulating strategy doesn't make you a stronger person in your dealings with people if you're on the wrong side of the battlefield. We need to remind ourselves to raise, nurture and expect a certain quality of man before he is given the respect and responsibilities given to those who are noble otherwise we are destroying ourselves due to our own poor standards and complacency in regards to quality in character.
To conclude I want to underline that marriage is something that is considered sacred in many faiths and cultures because, ultimately, it is. It is sacred because of its symbolic signification of harmony of two complementary elements and it is thus a place of mutual growth and increase in goodness, where there ought to be a constant effort to maintain a spiritual balance, similar to that of the harmony one seeks in oneself. It is a form of companionship that is designed to elevate you and grant you dignity. That's not to say everyone must marry, but that we should respect the institution of marriage and not believe we are "advanced" and so must adopt promiscuous behaviour, while glorifying it.
