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Tuesday 28 October 2014

Starting in Munich

Although this post doesn't fit in the chronology of the wedding and arriving in Munich, I felt that I'd write it up anyway.

I've been in Munich for quite some weeks now. I'm sort of getting into a routine but not quite started my work that I had planned- sorting out my laptop seems to be a more demanding task than I thought. But I'll get there eventually...

My German is improving- meaning that I'm learning to recognise some written words- despite me not properly starting my German course. Yesterday my husband and I went to the laundrette to do the laundry and a (rather tall) man tried to help me with the dryer, in German of course, and I couldn't really grasp what he was trying to say but he eventually just smiled and let me carry on guessing which buttons to press until my husband came and confirmed I was on the right track.

I've also been exploring so many different supermarkets, finding the cheapest offers on this, looking for the best quality of that and so on and so forth. Consequently, I popped into our local Aldi, one because I know the prices there are reasonable for everyday things and two, because it's familiar to home. Of course Aldi is German but they've branched out across Europe and the UK is a happy host to the family supermarket. Familiarity often just feels better sometimes and while I was on my solo adventure, I got caught up in a small but typical conflict of trolly politesse. I was in a corner of the shop and as I was going to advance forward, I saw a man approaching on my left who would turn into the aisle I was in. I decided to let the man pass ahead of me just so that I didn't feel like I had someone waiting behind me as I was wandering through slowly. He kindly smiled and (I presume) told me to go ahead because he was going to stop on that corner to look at something. He then continued speaking to me jokingly and all I could do was smile and nod while slowly walking away a little sad that I couldn't really understand his banter and any casual conversation for that matter.

It took me back to when I was a young adolescent. I loved reading novels that had an ethnic flavour: books about immigration and being displaced, taken from your home and other novels about struggles in new environments. Sometimes they were about war and just moving towns, cities and villages like A Thousand Splendid Suns and A Long Way Gone, and at other times they were about international migration. Being in Germany sort of reminds me of the novel Brick Lane, despite me not living in an area populated with lots of immigrants, I feel slightly confined to these walls (by nature) and my going out doesn't "contribute" because I'm oblivious to much of the language and so I leave the flat in a bubble and I have limited access to information. Thankfully I'm literate in English and French and so I can recognise the numbers, the letters and my "European-ness" clearly makes the products familiar, but nonetheless this immigration still requires that adjustment, learning and experience of challenges like any other. Fortunately I have God and my husband here to support me through it and the internet...

Wednesday 15 October 2014

Wedding Preparations

Many moments and lessons of our lives make us who we are. Naturally we're affected by the people around us and the various situations we face but those very same scenarios can have various influences on different people. In a family of three or four children where the lives are so closely intertwined and the experiences in the house, and arguably also at school, are very similar, each child reacts differently to changes or even the daily routine. A memory that one child keeps close to his/ her heart is probably forgotten by another and maybe parents sometimes even forget that some part of this daily life is part of a childhood memory.

I don't feel like this process really ever stops because now looking back on all of the preparations for my wedding I was both a silent spectator as well as an active participant and yet I feel like there are many moments and lessons that have stuck to my heart since. I feel like I learnt so much and I went through both the experiences of rosy innocence and harsh reality in a relatively short space of time.

Organising a wedding has fun and pretty elements but realistically several people (including their tastes, ideas, traditions and sentiments) are involved and so there is bound to be some conflict. The bride (and hopefully the groom) usually have a vague idea of what they hope for on the day of their wedding ceremony in terms of ambience, loved ones, gifts and more but this dream sometimes becomes difficult to attain when other restrictions come into play such as the budget, venue, timings etc. I think I knew these things would be an issue and so I tried to simplify the occasion much more than what was socially acceptable.

Never has it been an easy task trying to please everyone and ultimately it's impossible on most occasions so a wedding is no exception. I became so fed up with all the criticisms and unwanted advice and unnecessary stress that two weeks before my wedding I began announcing to my friends and relatives that they should consider just running away and getting married (scheduling arrangements for parents and perhaps siblings) and be done with it. Take photos, enjoy the day, and do what you like. "You're going to get earache either way but at least one of the weddings was what you actually wanted and you can be happy and relaxed". Having to deal with family and friends' politics prior to a wedding might not be something all brides have to face, but no doubt there is someone in the family who is facing it for them and it's a period where I felt that all family dynamics (including the extended family) were amplified so as to show me what I never saw throughout my childhood and adolescence, and sometimes confirming my existing knowledge. Sometimes it added sweetness to my memories while at other times it created a bitterness and disgust that will affect my future judgements.

I learnt the importance of teamwork and having someone who was trustworthy and understanding to run the show because too leaders never was a recipe for success, nor is not having the manpower to deal with a 200-person event. Things ran rather smoothly once we had a team of people to just get lots of jobs done together, listening and willingly. Some of the harder tasks were the smaller but important ones that we were trying to done with only 3 or 4 people available.

I think I've come to the end of that reflection but I'm sure the memories and new insights will continue to dawn on me for some time.


Thursday 9 October 2014

Graduation

It's been a long time since the last post, but not as long as I had thought. Time has flown since Lent and giving up naps and life has moved drastically forward since. Because I typically have a lot of things to say (mainly because so much has happened), I've been wise enough to scribble some of my thoughts down and I hope to break down the journey into several posts.

So a brief update on where I currently stand in life: I've graduated with a Bachelors of Arts degree in English and French. I'm married. And I now live in Munich, Germany.

Lots of big steps in only a few months and now I've got a moment to just pause and relax after all the chaos and pressure. It makes it feel surreal but at least I can look back on it with a slightly clearer mind and being less emotionally charged.

To start things from where we left off, my final year did end up pushing me academically while giving me quite a lot of control over my own work, decisions and exploration- but of course restricting me as far as my tutors' grading boundaries. I learnt a lot about myself and developed my areas of interest as well as making new friends along the way.

The graduation ceremony itself was pleasant, and the weather was nice and warm. I fell quite ill during the day and so couldn't meet as many people as I would have liked, so it was a bit of a shame not to have said congratulations and goodbye to my fellow peers and especially the members of staff. However it was an overall nice day for the family, although it took a while for me to get hold of a nice picture...

I already miss being at university but I guess everyone does. The freedom and responsibility alongside the chance to study and explore what you are passionate about, with people who also respect the field and passion, is comforting. But hey ho! I've now graduated with a qualification that says that I can pursue much more beyond this, whether it's in academia or in a career.

Forgive the cliché but it isn't the end, just a new beginning. A beginning that went head first into wedding preparations.


Wednesday 2 April 2014

Plodding along in a life without naps...

So you know those 6 "days off" we can have from Lent? I've taken one of them. I was in a terrible state and felt horrible, I had a headache and couldn't find a paracetamol and eventually I asked my friend's permission to take a nap (we're Lent buddies and supervisors to each other), to which she consented. I have to say I did feel much better after the nap and had recovered well.

I believe that was almost a week ago. Since then I'm fluctuating again with being able to deal with my sleeping "pattern". Yesterday was both successful but terribly saddening too. (Just a little warning that a rant is to follow).

Over the last few days I've been sleeping relatively late and then waking up late (around 11am), but in my head that's still my one chunk of sleep. I've known for a long time that I'm quite a nocturnal person and that it's easier for me to stay awake at night than to early wake up in the morning. This Lent promise is supposed to try to regulate this by not allowing me to be dependent on naps in the day to catch up for forced early rises, and making me go to bed earlier. The problem is that now I'm feeling quite frustrated and exasperated with the whole affair. I know I can probably continue until the end but I feel that a life without naps can be a genuine injustice!

Yesterday, I thought I would be good and consequently I had a great day in that I woke up at 6.30am (which is the equivalent of 4.30am for normal people) and stayed awake until well into the evening. I didn't even have any lectures. By the end of the day I was sad because I wasn't really very tired but I forced myself to go to bed hoping that I could continue the good habit for the next day and be productive before my 9am lecture. I woke up for 5.15am to pray and hoping to be alive enough to start my day at 5.30 but I got as far as praying and then went straight back to bed for my post-fajr nap. I wanted to wake up at 6.35 or thereabouts and even set an alarm. But I overslept to just after 8am and just about made it to my lecture on time.

The issue here is that we ought to be allowed to have a snooze when we are absolutely shattered and can't go on any further or when our brains need refreshing (whether that's 2 hours or 20 minutes) and then be allowed to carry on working or living. I'm quite flexible with my sleeping patterns and can work around lots of different emergencies and schedules, which I think is very important. I can be awake at 3am when someone needs to be taken to hospital but that doesn't mean you don't let me sleep when I do get the chance or when I feel I can't go on. I hate the idea of being forced to sleep at X time even if I'm not tired. It's a waste of everyone's time. I can easily be working and being productive in that time. Similarly I hate to be forced to stay awake when I'm really not going to be able to contribute or benefit meaningfully.

It's a bit like when in France, I was quite taken aback at how everyone stopped for lunch, and you either ate for lunch like everyone else or stayed idle. The concept of ensuring a break is taken in the day is great and refreshing but I was quite flustered at the beginning, thinking "but I'm not hungry and I don't want to eat right now- I want to get other things done but I can't because everyone else has stopped". Being allowed to take that break from life (work, family or otherwise) is essential but how you do it (eating, sleeping or going for a run) or when you do it shouldn't be dictated by others because it is genuinely not fair. Obviously I'm feeling sleepy and not refreshed at all today and that's partially because I'm not allowed to follow a natural pattern of rest and work. Most lifestyles don't permit it, which is horrific, but right now, my student life does and I'm not being allowed to partake in a normal cycle...

OK rant over.



Because my blog was looking rather bare without pictures: but every word holds true. 

P.S. It's day 29 of Lent. 28 days without naps. 

Tuesday 18 March 2014

Action Plan for Lent

It's nearly 4pm and I've not yet had a significant drowsy period in the day, despite being awake since about 8am. I'm fairly impressed but I have started to take serious action to ensure that the "attacks" are less frequent and not as damaging (emotionally and mentally).

Today might not be the best day to say I'm improving because I have slept a good 9 hours and I feel it may actually have been more. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to start drinking more water in a day because I usually drink about 0-2 glasses per day. I've had 2 glasses today, one was water another was a herbal tea, which I think still counts. Also, I've started taking some iron tablets because I know I'm slightly deficient. That's supposed to boost your energy a little, right? And, last but not least, I'm going to try to increase my fruit intake from next to zero to something more like a real quantity so that I'm staying hydrated and I've got sugars and energy in me from a healthy source. It will balance out any heavier carbs and dairy products I've been eating. I had a kiwi today, because they were on offer :).

It's day 14 of Lent and I've not yet succumbed to a nap (alhamdulillah!). However, I came to realise that Lent has 46 days, with 6 days "off" as breaks (usually the Sunday), but I've not yet decided if I want to skip days in case it does make it harder to get back into the swing of staying awake...

Tuesday 11 March 2014

Days of drowsiness

Last week was Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day and that means... Lent.

Of course pancakes came first and they were decidedly delicious but the following morning my friend asked me what I was giving up for Lent and minutes later my cousin asked me too. Now I don't know why everyone thought I would be on the Lent hype this year, but since they did, I was open to suggestions... What shall I give up?

While I had lots of things I could "do" or "add" to my life, there was very little that came to mind to give up. My good friend came up with a very good suggestion: day time or evening naps...

I agreed.

Believing that this would be very good for me, as a test of discipline, and hoping I would be more productive during my day by not losing hours to naps and consequently have a good impact on my final semester at university, I agreed.

I'm surviving but I must say I am prone to attacks of drowsiness, varying from the odd "oh I could just rest my eyes right now to refresh my brain" sitting at a desk in the library, to "my mind feels like it's going to explode and I can't function: I'm shattered" at 6pm.

Alhamdulillah I've overcome them so far, writing this post is to distract me from the current bout of drowsiness I'm experiencing so that I can continue to press on with my work.

One plan of action is to "live" in my lovely university library (which is 24 hours 5 days of the week) so that I'm not tempted by my bed. But I must say, often I lose time thinking about my drowsiness/ sleepiness too...

So far the weather has been beautiful and hugely encouraging, the warm sunshine does help with energy levels; too bad I just fancy closing my eyes in the right now...

Thursday 30 January 2014

Turmoil of delusions

The optimist and the pessimist have a lot to say against each other, and a lot to speak of in their own defence. The realist comes in to meet some middle ground trying to mediate between the two sides, yet 'Reality' is not as easy to encompass as it might seem.

There is truth and and goodness from God in just about everything yet the ultimate route to success is in discerning it correctly. How often are we faced with truth that comes in distorted forms, appealing to our natural sensibilities to good and evil, beauty and ugliness, and can thus corrupt our understanding of what the reality of things really is?

Having quickly read 'The Picture of Dorian Gray', I was quite frightened by the 'human experiment' in which Lord Henry shares some truth mixed with his own interpretation and desire-filled advice on how to attain fulfilment. It highlights the great responsibility of those in a position to share knowledge and the influence of their interpretation and engagement with it. We thus put ourselves in a delicate position when people come to us seeking advice, potentially becoming catalysts of corruption as well as enlightenment.

To consider something that is bad as good is probably an easy delusion to fall into, especially where one's own desires and "benefit" lie. But another delusion of equal or greater detriment is to consider what is good as bad. Well, how are we to know the difference or the 'reality' of the situation except through God and what He has defined as good and bad according to various circumstances? We, as humans, tend towards doing both good and bad things over the course of our lives, yet God reminds us to repent for those bad things in order to erase them, purify our hearts, take us closer to Him again and become 'good' again. Now, if God has accepted one's sincere repentance, it becomes an oppression to judge one in a negative fashion, since it is contrary to the judgement of God, and only He knows what is in the hearts. Sometimes what may be an 'ugly' act is a  manifestation of corruption, but it may also be a manifestation of the mercy of God that is present or to come. We must learn to discern wisely and in accordance to God's Will, aligning ourselves with it, and what is just.

Thursday 16 January 2014

Getting Back With It

One of the worst situations to be in blog-wise is not haven written for a long time, and coming back with a multitude of, perhaps, unrelated things while hoping to make them relatively concise and meaningful. I guess the only worse thing is to have nothing to say, or say something that means nothing.

I found that I had an unfinished piece from many moons ago, the Summer to be precise, and I guess I'll share an edited version of it below and then re-start my blogging from there. I forgot that this isn't the first time I tried to 'come back' to blogging...


"I skimmed over the last few posts and realised that I haven't posted any pictures for some time. Perhaps because everything at home now seems so ordinary or not newsworthy. 

In getting back into the swing of things at home. I've little time to take a step back to think without feeling guilty for not doing something and being productive. My to-do lists have got longer, with more pressured deadlines and important tasks. Along with keeping on top of the lists- mine and those of others', I am getting back into all the little activities I used to do before I left. I 'escape' a little by reading my books for uni's first semester- it counts as work and therefore I'm not wasting time, I'm picking up the henna cone again and practising on whomever I can get my hands on, and I'm cleaning the kitchen after my siblings have their bouts of creativity and after the iftaars.

These moments of 'alone time', and my random daydreams remind of why it's so important to get the balance right between serving and reflection."


And I've returned to the Internet in, what seems to be, a completely different spiritual state, as it apparently fluctuates constantly. The trick is trying to keep it constant- and making that constant state a good one. In good time...