And when your heart trembles, it wants to cry and you're not really sure why. You cry. You try to let it all out- not really knowing what 'it' is. You don't know if you're crying with grief or with happiness. You're overwhelmed with the Majesty of God, or perhaps your heart is in pain, feeling a proximity and therefore the true extent of the severance we have inflicted upon ourselves. It hurts and you want to let it out.
A couple of teary days here in France. Started to write the above yesterday, after I'd been terribly moved... by the beauty of God and of human relations: the human heart, the strength and softness...
I was blessed to go to see a newborn and his mother and I was moved in a way that I've never been moved before. I've been to visit plenty of newborns in hospitals and at home but this time was special. I felt something completely different. I can't describe what it was because I don't know what it was. All I know is that to really express the myself all I could say was "Subhan' Allah", otherwise silenced.
Then I read a message from a friend and it, combined with my visit, brought me to tears.
May God bless, open and purify our hearts so that we can truly feel and experience the strength of human affection in all its forms.
Today, I was supposed to go into Uni to be given an exam time (individual presentations) and be told which text I will be dealing with. Thanks to the 'wonderful' French admin system, me and two others, I must add, were fortunate to find out that our exam was no longer on Friday, but this very afternoon. I had 40 mins to prepare for an exam and my book was at home- and I'd just woken up this afternoon to come in for 10 mins since I'd fallen asleep at 5.30am.
Rushed back to my flat (via a bus ride of 15 mins), ran to my flat, grabbed what I needed, ran back to see when the next bus was coming- 7 minutes- too long. It started to rain. Went to the tram stop and had to run to catch it on time- missed the connecting tram and nearly cried in the middle of the street because I was late for my exam! Worst nightmare for me- to be late- for an exam- that I didn't know about until less than an hour ago! My day was ruined. I just wanted to cry, too shocked to believe this just happened. It was too unreal to be true! Got there 15 mins late and did the whole analysis and presentation under the influence of adrenaline alone. Couldn't keep track of time and went over but my examiner was impressed nonetheless and I wished I could've talked for much longer because I had so much more I wanted to say!
Thought I would just come home and cry, too traumatised and upset to do anything else but as soon as I walked outside the exam I felt relieved, refreshed, happy and shocked that I just survived that disaster! Treated to myself to something from the local boulangerie on the way home obviously (as if I need an excuse) and will just wait until the next time my eyes well up...
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Friday, 10 May 2013
Ahh to speak another language...
I realise there's not much time left for me here in France. I'll be leaving in just over a month and as everyone insisted before I left home that 'it'll fly by', I can vouch for the fact that you have to get up and leave just as you're settling in. I'm finally feeling like this place is somewhere I can manoeuvre without feeling completely out of my waters. That means I have to quickly do everything I can in my new 'comfort zone' to make the most of it.
Part of that is to carry on speaking French!
Since lectures finished I haven't engaged with French as much and I've already mentioned how prevalent English is, and how easy it is to slip into it with others.
I realise, by speaking more French, that you have to search for new ways to express yourself with the expressions available in the foreign language- because the ones you're used to don't always translate over. So it's like building another personality for yourself- trying to stay as true to yourself as possible, there's a new dimension to you.
I've been going through a mini-crisis with the French because I feel like I'll never be fluent and that it'll never all 'come naturally' like English does. I won't be able to play with the language in the same way, with the same ease. I know I've improved slightly since I've got here- I understand things better, I've learnt new expressions, I speak more but at the same time, I still have days/ interactions when I get stuck for words, unable to construct a simple sentence or ask a question. I still need to use my dictionary when having 'proper' conversations (thank God for my phone!) and I still make lots of silly mistakes that, once I've verbalised the phrase, I realise where I went wrong. And obviously all the mistakes I don't even know about must be lurking about in there somewhere.
You could say it's a matter of confidence, but I'm started to realise that it's more a matter of humility. Speaking a foreign language with those who are natives, those who are better at it than you is something that forces you to accept your inferiority. Regardless of whether you are more intelligent, wiser, have a better insight/ perspective on life, whatever it is that you excel at, if you can't express yourself effectively you've got to start from the bottom up.
It destroys your ego. It destroys your pride and arrogance. You are exposed and people will and do judge you. It's this 'destruction' and attempt to reconstruct yourself that links quite beautifully over to the new 'personality' you develop in a new language.
I wanted to give up French, losing hope and all... but then realised the force and the difficulty of destroying one's ego is liberating. I want to kill the unjustified elements of pride, arrogance and whatever else it may be in my own soul and for that I will have to continue to struggle, continue to speak French with natives and continue to make mistakes. I want to be fluent because it'll make me a better person. What I do with the language afterwards remains to be seen and doesn't really matter.
And it's in God's Mercy that your evident 'vulnerability' will open doors to people's appreciation of your attempts to express yourself. It always helps!
Part of that is to carry on speaking French!
Since lectures finished I haven't engaged with French as much and I've already mentioned how prevalent English is, and how easy it is to slip into it with others.
I realise, by speaking more French, that you have to search for new ways to express yourself with the expressions available in the foreign language- because the ones you're used to don't always translate over. So it's like building another personality for yourself- trying to stay as true to yourself as possible, there's a new dimension to you.
I've been going through a mini-crisis with the French because I feel like I'll never be fluent and that it'll never all 'come naturally' like English does. I won't be able to play with the language in the same way, with the same ease. I know I've improved slightly since I've got here- I understand things better, I've learnt new expressions, I speak more but at the same time, I still have days/ interactions when I get stuck for words, unable to construct a simple sentence or ask a question. I still need to use my dictionary when having 'proper' conversations (thank God for my phone!) and I still make lots of silly mistakes that, once I've verbalised the phrase, I realise where I went wrong. And obviously all the mistakes I don't even know about must be lurking about in there somewhere.
You could say it's a matter of confidence, but I'm started to realise that it's more a matter of humility. Speaking a foreign language with those who are natives, those who are better at it than you is something that forces you to accept your inferiority. Regardless of whether you are more intelligent, wiser, have a better insight/ perspective on life, whatever it is that you excel at, if you can't express yourself effectively you've got to start from the bottom up.
It destroys your ego. It destroys your pride and arrogance. You are exposed and people will and do judge you. It's this 'destruction' and attempt to reconstruct yourself that links quite beautifully over to the new 'personality' you develop in a new language.
I wanted to give up French, losing hope and all... but then realised the force and the difficulty of destroying one's ego is liberating. I want to kill the unjustified elements of pride, arrogance and whatever else it may be in my own soul and for that I will have to continue to struggle, continue to speak French with natives and continue to make mistakes. I want to be fluent because it'll make me a better person. What I do with the language afterwards remains to be seen and doesn't really matter.
And it's in God's Mercy that your evident 'vulnerability' will open doors to people's appreciation of your attempts to express yourself. It always helps!
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