Ahh to speak another language...

I realise there's not much time left for me here in France. I'll be leaving in just over a month and as everyone insisted before I left home that 'it'll fly by', I can vouch for the fact that you have to get up and leave just as you're settling in. I'm finally feeling like this place is somewhere I can manoeuvre without feeling completely out of my waters. That means I have to quickly do everything I can in my new 'comfort zone' to make the most of it.

Part of that is to carry on speaking French!

Since lectures finished I haven't engaged with French as much and I've already mentioned how prevalent English is, and how easy it is to slip into it with others.

I realise, by speaking more French, that you have to search for new ways to express yourself with the expressions available in the foreign language- because the ones you're used to don't always translate over. So it's like building another personality for yourself- trying to stay as true to yourself as possible, there's a new dimension to you.

I've been going through a mini-crisis with the French because I feel like I'll never be fluent and that it'll never all 'come naturally' like English does. I won't be able to play with the language in the same way, with the same ease. I know I've improved slightly since I've got here- I understand things better, I've learnt new expressions, I speak more but at the same time, I still have days/ interactions when I get stuck for words, unable to construct a simple sentence or ask a question. I still need to use my dictionary when having 'proper' conversations (thank God for my phone!) and I still make lots of silly mistakes that, once I've verbalised the phrase, I realise where I went wrong. And obviously all the mistakes I don't even know about must be lurking about in there somewhere.

You could say it's a matter of confidence, but I'm started to realise that it's more a matter of humility. Speaking a foreign language with those who are natives, those who are better at it than you is something that forces you to accept your inferiority. Regardless of whether you are more intelligent, wiser, have a better insight/ perspective on life, whatever it is that you excel at, if you can't express yourself effectively you've got to start from the bottom up.

It destroys your ego. It destroys your pride and arrogance. You are exposed and people will and do judge you. It's this 'destruction' and attempt to reconstruct yourself that links quite beautifully over to the new 'personality' you develop in a new language.

I wanted to give up French, losing hope and all... but then realised the force and the difficulty of destroying one's ego is liberating. I want to kill the unjustified elements of pride, arrogance and whatever else it may be in my own soul and for that I will have to continue to struggle, continue to speak French with natives and continue to make mistakes. I want to be fluent because it'll make me a better person. What I do with the language afterwards remains to be seen and doesn't really matter.

And it's in God's Mercy that your evident 'vulnerability' will open doors to people's appreciation of your attempts to express yourself. It always helps!