Plodding along in a life without naps...

So you know those 6 "days off" we can have from Lent? I've taken one of them. I was in a terrible state and felt horrible, I had a headache and couldn't find a paracetamol and eventually I asked my friend's permission to take a nap (we're Lent buddies and supervisors to each other), to which she consented. I have to say I did feel much better after the nap and had recovered well.

I believe that was almost a week ago. Since then I'm fluctuating again with being able to deal with my sleeping "pattern". Yesterday was both successful but terribly saddening too. (Just a little warning that a rant is to follow).

Over the last few days I've been sleeping relatively late and then waking up late (around 11am), but in my head that's still my one chunk of sleep. I've known for a long time that I'm quite a nocturnal person and that it's easier for me to stay awake at night than to early wake up in the morning. This Lent promise is supposed to try to regulate this by not allowing me to be dependent on naps in the day to catch up for forced early rises, and making me go to bed earlier. The problem is that now I'm feeling quite frustrated and exasperated with the whole affair. I know I can probably continue until the end but I feel that a life without naps can be a genuine injustice!

Yesterday, I thought I would be good and consequently I had a great day in that I woke up at 6.30am (which is the equivalent of 4.30am for normal people) and stayed awake until well into the evening. I didn't even have any lectures. By the end of the day I was sad because I wasn't really very tired but I forced myself to go to bed hoping that I could continue the good habit for the next day and be productive before my 9am lecture. I woke up for 5.15am to pray and hoping to be alive enough to start my day at 5.30 but I got as far as praying and then went straight back to bed for my post-fajr nap. I wanted to wake up at 6.35 or thereabouts and even set an alarm. But I overslept to just after 8am and just about made it to my lecture on time.

The issue here is that we ought to be allowed to have a snooze when we are absolutely shattered and can't go on any further or when our brains need refreshing (whether that's 2 hours or 20 minutes) and then be allowed to carry on working or living. I'm quite flexible with my sleeping patterns and can work around lots of different emergencies and schedules, which I think is very important. I can be awake at 3am when someone needs to be taken to hospital but that doesn't mean you don't let me sleep when I do get the chance or when I feel I can't go on. I hate the idea of being forced to sleep at X time even if I'm not tired. It's a waste of everyone's time. I can easily be working and being productive in that time. Similarly I hate to be forced to stay awake when I'm really not going to be able to contribute or benefit meaningfully.

It's a bit like when in France, I was quite taken aback at how everyone stopped for lunch, and you either ate for lunch like everyone else or stayed idle. The concept of ensuring a break is taken in the day is great and refreshing but I was quite flustered at the beginning, thinking "but I'm not hungry and I don't want to eat right now- I want to get other things done but I can't because everyone else has stopped". Being allowed to take that break from life (work, family or otherwise) is essential but how you do it (eating, sleeping or going for a run) or when you do it shouldn't be dictated by others because it is genuinely not fair. Obviously I'm feeling sleepy and not refreshed at all today and that's partially because I'm not allowed to follow a natural pattern of rest and work. Most lifestyles don't permit it, which is horrific, but right now, my student life does and I'm not being allowed to partake in a normal cycle...

OK rant over.

Because my blog was looking rather bare without pictures: but every word holds true. 

P.S. It's day 29 of Lent. 28 days without naps. 

Action Plan for Lent

It's nearly 4pm and I've not yet had a significant drowsy period in the day, despite being awake since about 8am. I'm fairly impressed but I have started to take serious action to ensure that the "attacks" are less frequent and not as damaging (emotionally and mentally).

Today might not be the best day to say I'm improving because I have slept a good 9 hours and I feel it may actually have been more. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to start drinking more water in a day because I usually drink about 0-2 glasses per day. I've had 2 glasses today, one was water another was a herbal tea, which I think still counts. Also, I've started taking some iron tablets because I know I'm slightly deficient. That's supposed to boost your energy a little, right? And, last but not least, I'm going to try to increase my fruit intake from next to zero to something more like a real quantity so that I'm staying hydrated and I've got sugars and energy in me from a healthy source. It will balance out any heavier carbs and dairy products I've been eating. I had a kiwi today, because they were on offer :).

It's day 14 of Lent and I've not yet succumbed to a nap (alhamdulillah!). However, I came to realise that Lent has 46 days, with 6 days "off" as breaks (usually the Sunday), but I've not yet decided if I want to skip days in case it does make it harder to get back into the swing of staying awake...

Days of drowsiness

Last week was Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day and that means... Lent.

Of course pancakes came first and they were decidedly delicious but the following morning my friend asked me what I was giving up for Lent and minutes later my cousin asked me too. Now I don't know why everyone thought I would be on the Lent hype this year, but since they did, I was open to suggestions... What shall I give up?

While I had lots of things I could "do" or "add" to my life, there was very little that came to mind to give up. My good friend came up with a very good suggestion: day time or evening naps...

I agreed.

Believing that this would be very good for me, as a test of discipline, and hoping I would be more productive during my day by not losing hours to naps and consequently have a good impact on my final semester at university, I agreed.

I'm surviving but I must say I am prone to attacks of drowsiness, varying from the odd "oh I could just rest my eyes right now to refresh my brain" sitting at a desk in the library, to "my mind feels like it's going to explode and I can't function: I'm shattered" at 6pm.

Alhamdulillah I've overcome them so far, writing this post is to distract me from the current bout of drowsiness I'm experiencing so that I can continue to press on with my work.

One plan of action is to "live" in my lovely university library (which is 24 hours 5 days of the week) so that I'm not tempted by my bed. But I must say, often I lose time thinking about my drowsiness/ sleepiness too...

So far the weather has been beautiful and hugely encouraging, the warm sunshine does help with energy levels; too bad I just fancy closing my eyes in the right now...

Turmoil of delusions

The optimist and the pessimist have a lot to say against each other, and a lot to speak of in their own defence. The realist comes in to meet some middle ground trying to mediate between the two sides, yet 'Reality' is not as easy to encompass as it might seem.

There is truth and and goodness from God in just about everything yet the ultimate route to success is in discerning it correctly. How often are we faced with truth that comes in distorted forms, appealing to our natural sensibilities to good and evil, beauty and ugliness, and can thus corrupt our understanding of what the reality of things really is?

Having quickly read 'The Picture of Dorian Gray', I was quite frightened by the 'human experiment' in which Lord Henry shares some truth mixed with his own interpretation and desire-filled advice on how to attain fulfilment. It highlights the great responsibility of those in a position to share knowledge and the influence of their interpretation and engagement with it. We thus put ourselves in a delicate position when people come to us seeking advice, potentially becoming catalysts of corruption as well as enlightenment.

To consider something that is bad as good is probably an easy delusion to fall into, especially where one's own desires and "benefit" lie. But another delusion of equal or greater detriment is to consider what is good as bad. Well, how are we to know the difference or the 'reality' of the situation except through God and what He has defined as good and bad according to various circumstances? We, as humans, tend towards doing both good and bad things over the course of our lives, yet God reminds us to repent for those bad things in order to erase them, purify our hearts, take us closer to Him again and become 'good' again. Now, if God has accepted one's sincere repentance, it becomes an oppression to judge one in a negative fashion, since it is contrary to the judgement of God, and only He knows what is in the hearts. Sometimes what may be an 'ugly' act is a  manifestation of corruption, but it may also be a manifestation of the mercy of God that is present or to come. We must learn to discern wisely and in accordance to God's Will, aligning ourselves with it, and what is just.

Getting Back With It

One of the worst situations to be in blog-wise is not haven written for a long time, and coming back with a multitude of, perhaps, unrelated things while hoping to make them relatively concise and meaningful. I guess the only worse thing is to have nothing to say, or say something that means nothing.

I found that I had an unfinished piece from many moons ago, the Summer to be precise, and I guess I'll share an edited version of it below and then re-start my blogging from there. I forgot that this isn't the first time I tried to 'come back' to blogging...

"I skimmed over the last few posts and realised that I haven't posted any pictures for some time. Perhaps because everything at home now seems so ordinary or not newsworthy. 

In getting back into the swing of things at home. I've little time to take a step back to think without feeling guilty for not doing something and being productive. My to-do lists have got longer, with more pressured deadlines and important tasks. Along with keeping on top of the lists- mine and those of others', I am getting back into all the little activities I used to do before I left. I 'escape' a little by reading my books for uni's first semester- it counts as work and therefore I'm not wasting time, I'm picking up the henna cone again and practising on whomever I can get my hands on, and I'm cleaning the kitchen after my siblings have their bouts of creativity and after the iftaars.

These moments of 'alone time', and my random daydreams remind of why it's so important to get the balance right between serving and reflection."

And I've returned to the Internet in, what seems to be, a completely different spiritual state, as it apparently fluctuates constantly. The trick is trying to keep it constant- and making that constant state a good one. In good time...

Beginning of Ramadhan 2013-1434 AH

We've already completed the first week (ten days even) of Ramadhan and it's flown by!
I'm quite devastated because the immense blessings really are here for a fleeting moment before we are back to the 'regular' blessings and mercies of daily life. I feel like I'm not making the most of it as I should and I want to pick things up a bit before it's too late!

The month has come by when I've just come back to my family after 6 months and hunger isn't the issue in these 18-19 hour fasts, it's patience and an awkward, very broken sleeping pattern. It's great being back with the family since we're all together for the summer holidays before we're back off again into our little worlds. We get to share some beautiful moments of laughter and create some great memories as we're all growing intellectually, spiritually and physically.

However, you also realise why you are how you are with your family sometimes. They're such a blessing and yet represent your internal struggle so clearly that often you find yourself trying to get away from it. My mind has been overcome with all the different things I've been confronted with. Of course I've got family members including my extended family, who I'm reacting to and seeing differently, while remembering to put myself into other people's shoes. Also I've got to try to manage my own time so that I'm available to help around the house, do my work and reading, spend time with my family and friends and fit in my prayers, which include moments of calm and reflection. They are all very hard to accommodate within a day and I often compromise on my own work and some moments of calm- since I'm too tired and disoriented from the chaotic, lively life of living in a family.

Since life is about achieving a balance between all domains in life, the physical world and one's spirituality, I realise that I'm facing a battle of extremes where the physical dominates to an extent where I cannot comprehend and absorb the spiritual very well. I then, to compensate, push myself to the other extreme, in an attempt to revive my spirits and often lose touch with what's going on with the world and other people, almost disconnecting myself. I need to learn how to manage the two simultaneously, just as I need to learn to spend time with my family and share in household tasks without neglecting my responsibilities towards my work commitments.

Back at home

I made it home safe and sound. My Mum, brother, aunty and cousin came to pick me up by car so we spent quite a lot of time together on the way back. It took us about 12 and a half hours to get to my aunty's house and then we left yesterday to head up North.

Already I'm trying to get into the swing of things without them overwhelming me. It took me a few months to get used to the slower pace of life in France but here, I feel here everything is always on the go and there's so much more stress. I'm trying my best just to keep a calmer attitude so that things run more smoothly but I feel a sense of urgency all the time, a sense of impatience. I'm already feeling mentally exhausted trying to understand and manage it all while keeping my sanity and own sense of judgement. What I mean by that is that if you 'go with the flow' without ever evaluating your own part in the big picture, you may accidentally forget that you're accountable for each act and intention. I guess it's the whole idea of actively living and not living passively- but living actively without going insane. In some ways it's about being disciplined amongst all the chaos.

At the same time, meeting family again- cousins, aunties, siblings and parents- is quite interesting. I feel like I'm looking onto the dynamics between people in a slightly different way, obviously since I'm comparing it to other dynamics I've been exposed to. Relationships are rather quite complex things sometimes. A fine balance of understanding and giving back.

Obviously it's raining here and it's forecast to rain for about a week. Thankfully it's not bitterly cold. However, while trying to clear my wardrobe out to fit all my clothes in (I've managed to fill 4 black bags) I find that part of the reason I don't have enough space is because of the winter we have, and then the nicer weather. Cardigans and sweaters take up a lot of space! I have clothes for the extreme cold, warm days, hot days, weddings and parties, painting... and the fact that I just have too many clothes.

I will continue my blog while at home because I'm still learning and discovering so much and I'll be looking at the culture here in a different way too.