While clearing away

Writing a post because I felt that I should. That sort of means that I don't exactly know what I'm going to talk about...
That's dangerous because I may take to talking haphazardly about several things thus leading to an extremely long post. But I'll try my best to avoid that.

I've just started to seriously clear my room out- starting out with all things paper-related. Anyone who knows me or my family will know that things get quite dangerously out of control with paper. So moving out is a great opportunity to really de-clutter and also reminds you not to accumulate too much in the first place!

Got to one of the drawers and found about 4 maps of Grenoble. It reminded me of the day that I got given about 2 or 3 maps in one day- I must really have looked terribly lost! I only asked for directions once that day too! But it's also one of those days that makes you smile; at least people are willing to help and share. The man working in the butcher's whom I asked for directions for a specific Post Office not only tried to explain the directions, he drew out a small map on my notepad for me, marking 'landmarks' and then generously popped out the map of the city for me- almost like a little gift. I was touched-- and then I went on my way to find that Post Office, get my letter and I've visited it a few times since...

It's really quite hot here today. According to the Internet it's about 36°C here and when I open the window, it gets hotter... Not used to that. People at home keep telling me how it's between 13-15°C with a chill in the air. I fear it will take me some time to get used to the cold. I used to be hard as nails in Grenoble, coming from the North of England. When the locals complained it was cold here I just shrugged it off remembering how much worse it could be. I think only 3 days of cold genuinely beat what I was used to.

I've not properly started saying goodbye to people yet. I've warned them that I'm leaving but it seems so surreal that I don't feel like I want to/ can bring myself to leave yet. I might just be denying it. I might just not have the hard reality of it hit me yet- I'm almost going away for a holiday to see my family, except I won't be coming back here...

I am looking forward to eating my Mum's good food again- especially since this last month I've been eating very basic foods and not buying too many new, different ingredients because I don't want things to go to waste with the move. The less I have, the less I have to throw away/ pack. That also means that I am eating like a real, broke student who makes the most out of couscous and some spices with cherry tomatoes (LOVE cherry tomatoes...).

OK, I somehow thought I would write this blog and progress with clearing things up but clearly things don't work like that. I need to get moving again. I will write soon insha' Allah since a few little things have come to mind. In the meantime I will continue to listen to Youtube while trying to clean this place up a little more!

In thinking about returning home

It's nearly time for me to pack my bags and go home. While I have a few weeks and I'm a last-minute packer, it doesn't feel that close (yet) but I realise I've got to start tying things up here. While I get emotionally and mentally ready to leave France, I find the bigger task is to prepare myself to go back home.

So I've started to try to engage my 'roots' so that I can truly be the better person I've felt in me with those at home. You know, that freshness, that openness, that positivity, that tolerance and ease that are kind of the only ways you can make things around you pleasant- in foreign or familiar environments.

I've been thinking about who I am in respect to those around me and realise that I have probably not been the ideal daughter, nor the ideal sister. I realise that these people have rights over me that, perhaps, I've ignored. They deserve better from me but alhamdulillah I can now see where and how I can resolve (at least some of) those shortcomings on my part.

I was given the following poem to read by Khalil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

It made me think about the nature of our families. It made me think about our responsibilities towards our future and our past, towards our children as well as our parents. From goodness comes goodness and we hope to just increase the goodness through this chain. 

As the dynamics between parents and children change, as they do in all relationships, I pray that children return the love and respect of their parents while parents make it easier for the children to do this by not sowing resentment in their hearts. 

Tears...

And when your heart trembles, it wants to cry and you're not really sure why. You cry. You try to let it all out- not really knowing what 'it' is. You don't know if you're crying with grief or with happiness. You're overwhelmed with the Majesty of God, or perhaps your heart is in pain, feeling a proximity and therefore the true extent of the severance we have inflicted upon ourselves. It hurts and you want to let it out.

A couple of teary days here in France. Started to write the above yesterday, after I'd been terribly moved... by the beauty of God and of human relations: the human heart, the strength and softness...

I was blessed to go to see a newborn and his mother and I was moved in a way that I've never been moved before. I've been to visit plenty of newborns in hospitals and at home but this time was special. I felt something completely different. I can't describe what it was because I don't know what it was. All I know is that to really express the myself all I could say was "Subhan' Allah", otherwise silenced.
Then I read a message from a friend and it, combined with my visit, brought me to tears.

May God bless, open and purify our hearts so that we can truly feel and experience the strength of human affection in all its forms.

Today, I was supposed to go into Uni to be given an exam time (individual presentations) and be told which text I will be dealing with. Thanks to the 'wonderful' French admin system, me and two others, I must add, were fortunate to find out that our exam was no longer on Friday, but this very afternoon. I had 40 mins to prepare for an exam and my book was at home- and I'd just woken up this afternoon to come in for 10 mins since I'd fallen asleep at 5.30am.

Rushed back to my flat (via a bus ride of 15 mins), ran to my flat, grabbed what I needed, ran back to see when the next bus was coming- 7 minutes- too long. It started to rain. Went to the tram stop and had to run to catch it on time- missed the connecting tram and nearly cried in the middle of the street because I was late for my exam! Worst nightmare for me- to be late- for an exam- that I didn't know about until less than an hour ago! My day was ruined. I just wanted to cry, too shocked to believe this just happened. It was too unreal to be true! Got there 15 mins late and did the whole analysis and presentation under the influence of adrenaline alone. Couldn't keep track of time and went over but my examiner was impressed nonetheless and I wished I could've talked for much longer because I had so much more I wanted to say!

Thought I would just come home and cry, too traumatised and upset to do anything else but as soon as I walked outside the exam I felt relieved, refreshed, happy and shocked that I just survived that disaster! Treated to myself to something from the local boulangerie on the way home obviously (as if I need an excuse) and will just wait until the next time my eyes well up...

Ahh to speak another language...

I realise there's not much time left for me here in France. I'll be leaving in just over a month and as everyone insisted before I left home that 'it'll fly by', I can vouch for the fact that you have to get up and leave just as you're settling in. I'm finally feeling like this place is somewhere I can manoeuvre without feeling completely out of my waters. That means I have to quickly do everything I can in my new 'comfort zone' to make the most of it.

Part of that is to carry on speaking French!

Since lectures finished I haven't engaged with French as much and I've already mentioned how prevalent English is, and how easy it is to slip into it with others.

I realise, by speaking more French, that you have to search for new ways to express yourself with the expressions available in the foreign language- because the ones you're used to don't always translate over. So it's like building another personality for yourself- trying to stay as true to yourself as possible, there's a new dimension to you.

I've been going through a mini-crisis with the French because I feel like I'll never be fluent and that it'll never all 'come naturally' like English does. I won't be able to play with the language in the same way, with the same ease. I know I've improved slightly since I've got here- I understand things better, I've learnt new expressions, I speak more but at the same time, I still have days/ interactions when I get stuck for words, unable to construct a simple sentence or ask a question. I still need to use my dictionary when having 'proper' conversations (thank God for my phone!) and I still make lots of silly mistakes that, once I've verbalised the phrase, I realise where I went wrong. And obviously all the mistakes I don't even know about must be lurking about in there somewhere.

You could say it's a matter of confidence, but I'm started to realise that it's more a matter of humility. Speaking a foreign language with those who are natives, those who are better at it than you is something that forces you to accept your inferiority. Regardless of whether you are more intelligent, wiser, have a better insight/ perspective on life, whatever it is that you excel at, if you can't express yourself effectively you've got to start from the bottom up.

It destroys your ego. It destroys your pride and arrogance. You are exposed and people will and do judge you. It's this 'destruction' and attempt to reconstruct yourself that links quite beautifully over to the new 'personality' you develop in a new language.

I wanted to give up French, losing hope and all... but then realised the force and the difficulty of destroying one's ego is liberating. I want to kill the unjustified elements of pride, arrogance and whatever else it may be in my own soul and for that I will have to continue to struggle, continue to speak French with natives and continue to make mistakes. I want to be fluent because it'll make me a better person. What I do with the language afterwards remains to be seen and doesn't really matter.

And it's in God's Mercy that your evident 'vulnerability' will open doors to people's appreciation of your attempts to express yourself. It always helps!

Yummy cake!

I was in the middle of doing some work (plodding along with an assignment at an appallingly slow rate) and got too tired to concentrate. Obviously that's my cue to have a nap, which I did. Waking up 3 hours later (I was hoping to have a 1 hour nap) I started working again, about half an hour in I realised that I must make a cake.

I had to make it because:
1) I've been craving cakes/ pastries for some days
2) That way I won't go to the local 'boulangerie' too often
3) I found an interesting recipe online that I wanted to try
4) My flatmate made a cake yesterday and I stopped myself from eating some of it
5) I now had the energy to make it.

So I made the cake. It was a recipe that substituted the butter for oil; this trick saved me going to the shops to buy butter, and to use up some extra oil I had about. Gosh! I must be the laziest person I know.

Anyway, the result was absolutely amazing. The cake is soft, yummy and very quick and easy to make. The only (quite big) problem was that it's so soft that when taking it out of the mould, some of it broke apart, which I obviously tried to put back together. But when I tried to re-flip it so it would be the right way up, I realised that I might just end up with a big pile of crumbs, so I left it. It was so soft that when I was checking if it was cooked, I saw that the top was cooked but very bouncy so assumed the inside was still all batter but it wasn't! I was actually surprised that a cake could be that bouncy.

Apparently the thing with oil cakes is that they don't solidify like butter cakes (as you can imagine why) so my cake will stay this soft for as long as it's not been eaten by me :)...

I followed this recipe:

http://acookatheart.blogspot.fr/2011/03/simple-vanilla-cake-using-oil.html

and just halved it.

Anyway, I was rather fascinated by this cake so I had to write about it; this is what happens when work is going slowly and you haven't left the flat in 3 days...

Not exactly a moment of deep reflection about our relationship with food, but food-related nonetheless. I ought to find something else to speak about...

Relationships

A strong and positive relationship with God will result in a strong and positive relationship with all those around you, be they friends, family or complete strangers.

Therefore we must always be honest with ourselves about our relationship with God. It is the only way we can truly start to improve it and thereby improve our relations with others. In actively doing this, a relationship will never go 'stale'; it will always be developing alongside your relationship with God.

Quick! Catch Up!

I have so much to catch up on. Not been very good with this blog. I think I just don't have anything meaningful to share. Well I'll give you a few brief snippets of what I've been up to and pop a few pictures in along the way. If an inspiring thought comes to mind, I'll share it, if not, make what you will of it.

I visited Annecy with some international students. It was nice. I think I would go again. It's got a rather famous and beautiful lake and we had a nice walk around the city centre. It's a small city and yet cute and touristic. Apparently a very expensive place to live though. I did a little bit of shopping there too.

I don't know what the building in the middle of the river actually is, but it's cool :). 

The second picture is of the lake. It's a bit misty but you'll see a water feature on the right to the trees. The water is incredibly clear; you can see right down to the bottom! It was beautiful and would put the Thames to shame!

In preparation for a little dhikr/ dawah workshop/ gathering, a few of us (me and 2 others) ended up practising some qasidahs to just sing on the evening. Met up at one of the girls' flat on the Wednesday to just get us a little organised (know what we've got to sing, get the tune going and what we need to fix). It was quite hard because I'd never heard the qasidahs before so I was learning the words and the tune completely from scratch- and the event was on Friday night- and I had a test on Friday morning! I managed though and I was pretty impressed with myself.
   On the Friday afternoon we went back to her flat to bake some cakes for the event too. I made a very successful chocolate fondant cake (I was just given the recipe and followed it). Had a lovely couple of afternoons and the evening was lovely, although not many people came but we all had a nice time together. The view from her flat's living room was pretty impressive.

Although it looks quite grey here, it was a beautiful day but it did rain later on. I loved the view because of the three layers; the city buildings, the green hills (that were covered in snow not that long ago) and the snowy mountains.

The next day, a few friends had organised a rather French 'repas du fromage' for lunch, just to give us a taste of the regional cheeses. Although they did go easy on me and all the cheeses were tolerably mild and creamy. Maybe next time they'll turn it up a notch? Anyway, I survived that one! Then we went out for ice cream (and it was super-yummy!).

So I visited a cute little village in the mountains just outside of Grenoble called Saint-Hilaire. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day and although the intention was to visit a lady I knew and meet up with  her daughter (whose flat we made cakes at) for a bit of dhikr, her daughter couldn't make it so we went round for a little stroll around the village instead.

A popular pastime is a little parachuting from about April until October. During the winter people come to the village to ski too. 

OK, so a little bit of a stream but look how clean and clear the water is! It's remarkable! I keep seeing clean water around and it's refreshing to know that it still exits. I can't remember seeing really clean water like this at home...

In between this, I've had a few exams. They were alright.We will see how the results are. Got one big one left and got to do some assignments. However, I have no more lectures! I was supposed to be doing some more work on one of the assignments and then I realised that it was imperative that I update my blog... :)

It was a lovely day yesterday (weather-wise) so I wanted to go for a walk. Ended up visiting a deer farm for a short walk and it was really nice. Got to feed two of them with some leaves too but one got more than the other because he wouldn't share. It was so peaceful and calm there. Took a couple of pics of the two- though there was a whole field of them.

This is the big, greedy deer (or should I say stag?) who kept munching the leaves. He even followed us after when we'd 'finished' so we found some more to give him. 

This is the little deer who would have liked to have been fed some more but got chased away by the bigger male. 

Also, a quick note for my Mum here. I made a real curry yesterday. By real, I mean that I spent 1 hour carefully browning the onions so that they wouldn't burn and had got to the right colour and texture in order to make the base sauce for my curry. To be fair, it did turn out really well and tasted like a curry should (on the spicier side of course) so it was rewarding. Whether it was 'worth it' and whether I would choose to do it often is another matter.

I do need to do another blog post on my thoughts on our relationship with food. I few interesting things have come to mind and I've eaten some yummy things while I feel like I'm 'learning more about the world' (yes, dramatic I know) through food encounters. But that's too deep for the moment- I'm sleepy thinking about the work I should be doing...
- I will organise my thoughts and get back to you.

I will try to add things more regularly now.