The optimist and the pessimist have a lot to say against each other, and a lot to speak of in their own defence. The realist comes in to meet some middle ground trying to mediate between the two sides, yet 'Reality' is not as easy to encompass as it might seem.
There is truth and and goodness from God in just about everything yet the ultimate route to success is in discerning it correctly. How often are we faced with truth that comes in distorted forms, appealing to our natural sensibilities to good and evil, beauty and ugliness, and can thus corrupt our understanding of what the reality of things really is?
Having quickly read 'The Picture of Dorian Gray', I was quite frightened by the 'human experiment' in which Lord Henry shares some truth mixed with his own interpretation and desire-filled advice on how to attain fulfilment. It highlights the great responsibility of those in a position to share knowledge and the influence of their interpretation and engagement with it. We thus put ourselves in a delicate position when people come to us seeking advice, potentially becoming catalysts of corruption as well as enlightenment.
To consider something that is bad as good is probably an easy delusion to fall into, especially where one's own desires and "benefit" lie. But another delusion of equal or greater detriment is to consider what is good as bad. Well, how are we to know the difference or the 'reality' of the situation except through God and what He has defined as good and bad according to various circumstances? We, as humans, tend towards doing both good and bad things over the course of our lives, yet God reminds us to repent for those bad things in order to erase them, purify our hearts, take us closer to Him again and become 'good' again. Now, if God has accepted one's sincere repentance, it becomes an oppression to judge one in a negative fashion, since it is contrary to the judgement of God, and only He knows what is in the hearts. Sometimes what may be an 'ugly' act is a manifestation of corruption, but it may also be a manifestation of the mercy of God that is present or to come. We must learn to discern wisely and in accordance to God's Will, aligning ourselves with it, and what is just.
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Thursday, 16 January 2014
Getting Back With It
One of the worst situations to be in blog-wise is not haven written for a long time, and coming back with a multitude of, perhaps, unrelated things while hoping to make them relatively concise and meaningful. I guess the only worse thing is to have nothing to say, or say something that means nothing.
I found that I had an unfinished piece from many moons ago, the Summer to be precise, and I guess I'll share an edited version of it below and then re-start my blogging from there. I forgot that this isn't the first time I tried to 'come back' to blogging...
And I've returned to the Internet in, what seems to be, a completely different spiritual state, as it apparently fluctuates constantly. The trick is trying to keep it constant- and making that constant state a good one. In good time...
I found that I had an unfinished piece from many moons ago, the Summer to be precise, and I guess I'll share an edited version of it below and then re-start my blogging from there. I forgot that this isn't the first time I tried to 'come back' to blogging...
"I skimmed over the last few posts and realised that I haven't posted any pictures for some time. Perhaps because everything at home now seems so ordinary or not newsworthy.
In getting back into the swing of things at home. I've little time to take a step back to think without feeling guilty for not doing something and being productive. My to-do lists have got longer, with more pressured deadlines and important tasks. Along with keeping on top of the lists- mine and those of others', I am getting back into all the little activities I used to do before I left. I 'escape' a little by reading my books for uni's first semester- it counts as work and therefore I'm not wasting time, I'm picking up the henna cone again and practising on whomever I can get my hands on, and I'm cleaning the kitchen after my siblings have their bouts of creativity and after the iftaars.
These moments of 'alone time', and my random daydreams remind of why it's so important to get the balance right between serving and reflection."
And I've returned to the Internet in, what seems to be, a completely different spiritual state, as it apparently fluctuates constantly. The trick is trying to keep it constant- and making that constant state a good one. In good time...
Friday, 19 July 2013
Beginning of Ramadhan 2013-1434 AH
We've already completed the first week (ten days even) of Ramadhan and it's flown by!
I'm quite devastated because the immense blessings really are here for a fleeting moment before we are back to the 'regular' blessings and mercies of daily life. I feel like I'm not making the most of it as I should and I want to pick things up a bit before it's too late!
The month has come by when I've just come back to my family after 6 months and hunger isn't the issue in these 18-19 hour fasts, it's patience and an awkward, very broken sleeping pattern. It's great being back with the family since we're all together for the summer holidays before we're back off again into our little worlds. We get to share some beautiful moments of laughter and create some great memories as we're all growing intellectually, spiritually and physically.
However, you also realise why you are how you are with your family sometimes. They're such a blessing and yet represent your internal struggle so clearly that often you find yourself trying to get away from it. My mind has been overcome with all the different things I've been confronted with. Of course I've got family members including my extended family, who I'm reacting to and seeing differently, while remembering to put myself into other people's shoes. Also I've got to try to manage my own time so that I'm available to help around the house, do my work and reading, spend time with my family and friends and fit in my prayers, which include moments of calm and reflection. They are all very hard to accommodate within a day and I often compromise on my own work and some moments of calm- since I'm too tired and disoriented from the chaotic, lively life of living in a family.
Since life is about achieving a balance between all domains in life, the physical world and one's spirituality, I realise that I'm facing a battle of extremes where the physical dominates to an extent where I cannot comprehend and absorb the spiritual very well. I then, to compensate, push myself to the other extreme, in an attempt to revive my spirits and often lose touch with what's going on with the world and other people, almost disconnecting myself. I need to learn how to manage the two simultaneously, just as I need to learn to spend time with my family and share in household tasks without neglecting my responsibilities towards my work commitments.
I'm quite devastated because the immense blessings really are here for a fleeting moment before we are back to the 'regular' blessings and mercies of daily life. I feel like I'm not making the most of it as I should and I want to pick things up a bit before it's too late!
The month has come by when I've just come back to my family after 6 months and hunger isn't the issue in these 18-19 hour fasts, it's patience and an awkward, very broken sleeping pattern. It's great being back with the family since we're all together for the summer holidays before we're back off again into our little worlds. We get to share some beautiful moments of laughter and create some great memories as we're all growing intellectually, spiritually and physically.
However, you also realise why you are how you are with your family sometimes. They're such a blessing and yet represent your internal struggle so clearly that often you find yourself trying to get away from it. My mind has been overcome with all the different things I've been confronted with. Of course I've got family members including my extended family, who I'm reacting to and seeing differently, while remembering to put myself into other people's shoes. Also I've got to try to manage my own time so that I'm available to help around the house, do my work and reading, spend time with my family and friends and fit in my prayers, which include moments of calm and reflection. They are all very hard to accommodate within a day and I often compromise on my own work and some moments of calm- since I'm too tired and disoriented from the chaotic, lively life of living in a family.
Since life is about achieving a balance between all domains in life, the physical world and one's spirituality, I realise that I'm facing a battle of extremes where the physical dominates to an extent where I cannot comprehend and absorb the spiritual very well. I then, to compensate, push myself to the other extreme, in an attempt to revive my spirits and often lose touch with what's going on with the world and other people, almost disconnecting myself. I need to learn how to manage the two simultaneously, just as I need to learn to spend time with my family and share in household tasks without neglecting my responsibilities towards my work commitments.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Back at home
I made it home safe and sound. My Mum, brother, aunty and cousin came to pick me up by car so we spent quite a lot of time together on the way back. It took us about 12 and a half hours to get to my aunty's house and then we left yesterday to head up North.
Already I'm trying to get into the swing of things without them overwhelming me. It took me a few months to get used to the slower pace of life in France but here, I feel here everything is always on the go and there's so much more stress. I'm trying my best just to keep a calmer attitude so that things run more smoothly but I feel a sense of urgency all the time, a sense of impatience. I'm already feeling mentally exhausted trying to understand and manage it all while keeping my sanity and own sense of judgement. What I mean by that is that if you 'go with the flow' without ever evaluating your own part in the big picture, you may accidentally forget that you're accountable for each act and intention. I guess it's the whole idea of actively living and not living passively- but living actively without going insane. In some ways it's about being disciplined amongst all the chaos.
At the same time, meeting family again- cousins, aunties, siblings and parents- is quite interesting. I feel like I'm looking onto the dynamics between people in a slightly different way, obviously since I'm comparing it to other dynamics I've been exposed to. Relationships are rather quite complex things sometimes. A fine balance of understanding and giving back.
Obviously it's raining here and it's forecast to rain for about a week. Thankfully it's not bitterly cold. However, while trying to clear my wardrobe out to fit all my clothes in (I've managed to fill 4 black bags) I find that part of the reason I don't have enough space is because of the winter we have, and then the nicer weather. Cardigans and sweaters take up a lot of space! I have clothes for the extreme cold, warm days, hot days, weddings and parties, painting... and the fact that I just have too many clothes.
I will continue my blog while at home because I'm still learning and discovering so much and I'll be looking at the culture here in a different way too.
Already I'm trying to get into the swing of things without them overwhelming me. It took me a few months to get used to the slower pace of life in France but here, I feel here everything is always on the go and there's so much more stress. I'm trying my best just to keep a calmer attitude so that things run more smoothly but I feel a sense of urgency all the time, a sense of impatience. I'm already feeling mentally exhausted trying to understand and manage it all while keeping my sanity and own sense of judgement. What I mean by that is that if you 'go with the flow' without ever evaluating your own part in the big picture, you may accidentally forget that you're accountable for each act and intention. I guess it's the whole idea of actively living and not living passively- but living actively without going insane. In some ways it's about being disciplined amongst all the chaos.
At the same time, meeting family again- cousins, aunties, siblings and parents- is quite interesting. I feel like I'm looking onto the dynamics between people in a slightly different way, obviously since I'm comparing it to other dynamics I've been exposed to. Relationships are rather quite complex things sometimes. A fine balance of understanding and giving back.
Obviously it's raining here and it's forecast to rain for about a week. Thankfully it's not bitterly cold. However, while trying to clear my wardrobe out to fit all my clothes in (I've managed to fill 4 black bags) I find that part of the reason I don't have enough space is because of the winter we have, and then the nicer weather. Cardigans and sweaters take up a lot of space! I have clothes for the extreme cold, warm days, hot days, weddings and parties, painting... and the fact that I just have too many clothes.
I will continue my blog while at home because I'm still learning and discovering so much and I'll be looking at the culture here in a different way too.
Monday, 17 June 2013
While clearing away
Writing a post because I felt that I should. That sort of means that I don't exactly know what I'm going to talk about...
That's dangerous because I may take to talking haphazardly about several things thus leading to an extremely long post. But I'll try my best to avoid that.
I've just started to seriously clear my room out- starting out with all things paper-related. Anyone who knows me or my family will know that things get quite dangerously out of control with paper. So moving out is a great opportunity to really de-clutter and also reminds you not to accumulate too much in the first place!
Got to one of the drawers and found about 4 maps of Grenoble. It reminded me of the day that I got given about 2 or 3 maps in one day- I must really have looked terribly lost! I only asked for directions once that day too! But it's also one of those days that makes you smile; at least people are willing to help and share. The man working in the butcher's whom I asked for directions for a specific Post Office not only tried to explain the directions, he drew out a small map on my notepad for me, marking 'landmarks' and then generously popped out the map of the city for me- almost like a little gift. I was touched-- and then I went on my way to find that Post Office, get my letter and I've visited it a few times since...
It's really quite hot here today. According to the Internet it's about 36°C here and when I open the window, it gets hotter... Not used to that. People at home keep telling me how it's between 13-15°C with a chill in the air. I fear it will take me some time to get used to the cold. I used to be hard as nails in Grenoble, coming from the North of England. When the locals complained it was cold here I just shrugged it off remembering how much worse it could be. I think only 3 days of cold genuinely beat what I was used to.
I've not properly started saying goodbye to people yet. I've warned them that I'm leaving but it seems so surreal that I don't feel like I want to/ can bring myself to leave yet. I might just be denying it. I might just not have the hard reality of it hit me yet- I'm almost going away for a holiday to see my family, except I won't be coming back here...
I am looking forward to eating my Mum's good food again- especially since this last month I've been eating very basic foods and not buying too many new, different ingredients because I don't want things to go to waste with the move. The less I have, the less I have to throw away/ pack. That also means that I am eating like a real, broke student who makes the most out of couscous and some spices with cherry tomatoes (LOVE cherry tomatoes...).
OK, I somehow thought I would write this blog and progress with clearing things up but clearly things don't work like that. I need to get moving again. I will write soon insha' Allah since a few little things have come to mind. In the meantime I will continue to listen to Youtube while trying to clean this place up a little more!
That's dangerous because I may take to talking haphazardly about several things thus leading to an extremely long post. But I'll try my best to avoid that.
I've just started to seriously clear my room out- starting out with all things paper-related. Anyone who knows me or my family will know that things get quite dangerously out of control with paper. So moving out is a great opportunity to really de-clutter and also reminds you not to accumulate too much in the first place!
Got to one of the drawers and found about 4 maps of Grenoble. It reminded me of the day that I got given about 2 or 3 maps in one day- I must really have looked terribly lost! I only asked for directions once that day too! But it's also one of those days that makes you smile; at least people are willing to help and share. The man working in the butcher's whom I asked for directions for a specific Post Office not only tried to explain the directions, he drew out a small map on my notepad for me, marking 'landmarks' and then generously popped out the map of the city for me- almost like a little gift. I was touched-- and then I went on my way to find that Post Office, get my letter and I've visited it a few times since...
It's really quite hot here today. According to the Internet it's about 36°C here and when I open the window, it gets hotter... Not used to that. People at home keep telling me how it's between 13-15°C with a chill in the air. I fear it will take me some time to get used to the cold. I used to be hard as nails in Grenoble, coming from the North of England. When the locals complained it was cold here I just shrugged it off remembering how much worse it could be. I think only 3 days of cold genuinely beat what I was used to.
I've not properly started saying goodbye to people yet. I've warned them that I'm leaving but it seems so surreal that I don't feel like I want to/ can bring myself to leave yet. I might just be denying it. I might just not have the hard reality of it hit me yet- I'm almost going away for a holiday to see my family, except I won't be coming back here...
I am looking forward to eating my Mum's good food again- especially since this last month I've been eating very basic foods and not buying too many new, different ingredients because I don't want things to go to waste with the move. The less I have, the less I have to throw away/ pack. That also means that I am eating like a real, broke student who makes the most out of couscous and some spices with cherry tomatoes (LOVE cherry tomatoes...).
OK, I somehow thought I would write this blog and progress with clearing things up but clearly things don't work like that. I need to get moving again. I will write soon insha' Allah since a few little things have come to mind. In the meantime I will continue to listen to Youtube while trying to clean this place up a little more!
Thursday, 6 June 2013
In thinking about returning home
It's nearly time for me to pack my bags and go home. While I have a few weeks and I'm a last-minute packer, it doesn't feel that close (yet) but I realise I've got to start tying things up here. While I get emotionally and mentally ready to leave France, I find the bigger task is to prepare myself to go back home.
So I've started to try to engage my 'roots' so that I can truly be the better person I've felt in me with those at home. You know, that freshness, that openness, that positivity, that tolerance and ease that are kind of the only ways you can make things around you pleasant- in foreign or familiar environments.
I've been thinking about who I am in respect to those around me and realise that I have probably not been the ideal daughter, nor the ideal sister. I realise that these people have rights over me that, perhaps, I've ignored. They deserve better from me but alhamdulillah I can now see where and how I can resolve (at least some of) those shortcomings on my part.
I was given the following poem to read by Khalil Gibran:
So I've started to try to engage my 'roots' so that I can truly be the better person I've felt in me with those at home. You know, that freshness, that openness, that positivity, that tolerance and ease that are kind of the only ways you can make things around you pleasant- in foreign or familiar environments.
I've been thinking about who I am in respect to those around me and realise that I have probably not been the ideal daughter, nor the ideal sister. I realise that these people have rights over me that, perhaps, I've ignored. They deserve better from me but alhamdulillah I can now see where and how I can resolve (at least some of) those shortcomings on my part.
I was given the following poem to read by Khalil Gibran:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html
It made me think about the nature of our families. It made me think about our responsibilities towards our future and our past, towards our children as well as our parents. From goodness comes goodness and we hope to just increase the goodness through this chain.
As the dynamics between parents and children change, as they do in all relationships, I pray that children return the love and respect of their parents while parents make it easier for the children to do this by not sowing resentment in their hearts.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Tears...
And when your heart trembles, it wants to cry and you're not really sure why. You cry. You try to let it all out- not really knowing what 'it' is. You don't know if you're crying with grief or with happiness. You're overwhelmed with the Majesty of God, or perhaps your heart is in pain, feeling a proximity and therefore the true extent of the severance we have inflicted upon ourselves. It hurts and you want to let it out.
A couple of teary days here in France. Started to write the above yesterday, after I'd been terribly moved... by the beauty of God and of human relations: the human heart, the strength and softness...
I was blessed to go to see a newborn and his mother and I was moved in a way that I've never been moved before. I've been to visit plenty of newborns in hospitals and at home but this time was special. I felt something completely different. I can't describe what it was because I don't know what it was. All I know is that to really express the myself all I could say was "Subhan' Allah", otherwise silenced.
Then I read a message from a friend and it, combined with my visit, brought me to tears.
May God bless, open and purify our hearts so that we can truly feel and experience the strength of human affection in all its forms.
Today, I was supposed to go into Uni to be given an exam time (individual presentations) and be told which text I will be dealing with. Thanks to the 'wonderful' French admin system, me and two others, I must add, were fortunate to find out that our exam was no longer on Friday, but this very afternoon. I had 40 mins to prepare for an exam and my book was at home- and I'd just woken up this afternoon to come in for 10 mins since I'd fallen asleep at 5.30am.
Rushed back to my flat (via a bus ride of 15 mins), ran to my flat, grabbed what I needed, ran back to see when the next bus was coming- 7 minutes- too long. It started to rain. Went to the tram stop and had to run to catch it on time- missed the connecting tram and nearly cried in the middle of the street because I was late for my exam! Worst nightmare for me- to be late- for an exam- that I didn't know about until less than an hour ago! My day was ruined. I just wanted to cry, too shocked to believe this just happened. It was too unreal to be true! Got there 15 mins late and did the whole analysis and presentation under the influence of adrenaline alone. Couldn't keep track of time and went over but my examiner was impressed nonetheless and I wished I could've talked for much longer because I had so much more I wanted to say!
Thought I would just come home and cry, too traumatised and upset to do anything else but as soon as I walked outside the exam I felt relieved, refreshed, happy and shocked that I just survived that disaster! Treated to myself to something from the local boulangerie on the way home obviously (as if I need an excuse) and will just wait until the next time my eyes well up...
A couple of teary days here in France. Started to write the above yesterday, after I'd been terribly moved... by the beauty of God and of human relations: the human heart, the strength and softness...
I was blessed to go to see a newborn and his mother and I was moved in a way that I've never been moved before. I've been to visit plenty of newborns in hospitals and at home but this time was special. I felt something completely different. I can't describe what it was because I don't know what it was. All I know is that to really express the myself all I could say was "Subhan' Allah", otherwise silenced.
Then I read a message from a friend and it, combined with my visit, brought me to tears.
May God bless, open and purify our hearts so that we can truly feel and experience the strength of human affection in all its forms.
Today, I was supposed to go into Uni to be given an exam time (individual presentations) and be told which text I will be dealing with. Thanks to the 'wonderful' French admin system, me and two others, I must add, were fortunate to find out that our exam was no longer on Friday, but this very afternoon. I had 40 mins to prepare for an exam and my book was at home- and I'd just woken up this afternoon to come in for 10 mins since I'd fallen asleep at 5.30am.
Rushed back to my flat (via a bus ride of 15 mins), ran to my flat, grabbed what I needed, ran back to see when the next bus was coming- 7 minutes- too long. It started to rain. Went to the tram stop and had to run to catch it on time- missed the connecting tram and nearly cried in the middle of the street because I was late for my exam! Worst nightmare for me- to be late- for an exam- that I didn't know about until less than an hour ago! My day was ruined. I just wanted to cry, too shocked to believe this just happened. It was too unreal to be true! Got there 15 mins late and did the whole analysis and presentation under the influence of adrenaline alone. Couldn't keep track of time and went over but my examiner was impressed nonetheless and I wished I could've talked for much longer because I had so much more I wanted to say!
Thought I would just come home and cry, too traumatised and upset to do anything else but as soon as I walked outside the exam I felt relieved, refreshed, happy and shocked that I just survived that disaster! Treated to myself to something from the local boulangerie on the way home obviously (as if I need an excuse) and will just wait until the next time my eyes well up...
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